Fighting about money is way too often a common problem in marital or domestic relationships. Unfortunately, most people don’t recognize the problem until it hits a boiling point and then they are unsure how to deal with it. Here are a couple of situations I have observed over the years and some possible solutions to them.
- A saver and a spender. When two individuals with two different attitudes towards money are in a relationship, often the saver is concerned about security, while the spender feels constrained by the saver. The key to putting harmony in the relationship is trying to understand the financial strengths of each party. The goal should be to work together to make better financial decisions together. Discuss all major financial decisions before you make any purchases and set an absolute limit for how much money the two of you are willing to spend.
- You are in debt. Debt always causes stress, especially if you are having a hard time paying it down or if you disagree on whether to save for a rainy day or pay more down on your outstanding balances. Discuss how the debt was created and talk about a plan for dealing with it.
- The bill payer isn’t paying the bills on time. This can have some serious effects on your financial situation and credit rating. However, the bill payer may feel overwhelmed and resentful at having to bear all the financial issues of the household. I suggest setting some time aside every week or month to sit down and sort through all the bills together. Take time to discuss your finances and solve bill problems together.
- One of you makes a purchase or borrows money without the other knowing. This comes down to trust and the fact that only one of you made the decision without involving the other. Money matters should be discussed and communicated openly before the purchases or borrowing takes place. If you are going to borrow money, especially from a family member, talk about any feasible alternatives.
- The person earning the most money expects to be in control of the spending. This leaves your partner feeling they are helpless and unimportant. This discourse does and will cause stress, conflict and an imbalance of power. Marriage should be a partnership and the use of money to control a spouse can seriously damage a relationship. I suggest approaching the situation at a calm time when you can explain your feelings and not when you are arguing about money issues. Consider setting a specific dollar amount for each other’s discretionary spending, or agreeing that you will discuss purchases over a certain limit before buying them.
The bottom line is to keep the communication lines open. Make your money decisions together. If either of you breaks the new rules you set, talk about why you did it, and make some adjustments. If you can’t find a way to openly discuss and work on your problems together, consider seeing a marriage counselor who can help each of you understand the other’s point of view.